When is it Time to Stop Being Nice and Say No More Favors!

By: Maribel Garcia Valls, MPH, ACC- Coach, Writer, & Author  Bee Happi

Can I ask you for a favor? Can you please stop doing favors for “chronic favor askers?” Most of us have met somebody like this where one favor leads to a tidal wave of other favors. And each request has a compelling story to go with it like: some crisis happened and they need you to pick up their kids. Or their car broke down and they need a ride to work all week. Or they are strapped for cash and need money now!

If you get caught up in a “favor frenzy” like this or worse, put a stop to it immediately. This sounds harsh and it may hurt some feelings. The bottom line is to know when to “say no” when somebody is taking advantage of you and overusing their “favor card”!

Dr. Stephan Karpman developed this social model called “The Drama Triangle.” The model talks about “personal responsibility” and “power of conflicts” as it relates to the destructive and shifting roles people play. There are three roles to this model: the victim, persecutor, and the rescuer.

1. The victim always feels like the victim. They are powerless and feel sorry for themselves. They think, “I am blameless.”

2. The persecutor is dominating others in the problem state and blames everybody else. They think, “I’m right, your wrong.”

3. The rescuer is always feeling sorry for others. They try to help others even when help is not needed or wanted because they fear that they won’t be needed. They think, “I was just trying to help.”

Eventually each of these roles becomes the victim. It is a viscous cycle that you don’t want to get caught up in. Remember that you can’t be everything to everyone. Sometimes you have to take care of you and others have to take responsibility for their own choices. Now, most people want to be kind and helpful to others. In fact, one of the things that makes many people happy is practicing random acts of kindness and giving back. Still, it is important to create boundaries and stick to them. Sometimes we just have to say “No More Favors”!

Here are some things to consider the next time you do a favor for anybody:

1. Is this a reoccurring request for help? If you continue to help this person, you might be enabling them from making better choices, since you are always there to bail them out.

2. Does this person really need help? Sometimes people want to make their lives easier by burdening somebody else. If you always say yes, then “their problems” are now “your problems”.

3. Is the person grateful for your acts of kindness? Does this person say thank you or try to give back in any way?  When we give, we really shouldn’t expect anything in return. However, if you give and give and receive nothing, then the other person might be taking advantage of you.

Final thoughts:

In Deepak Chopra’s Book The Way of the Wizard: 20 Lessons for Living a Magical Life, there is great quote that says:

“When you see suffering, go, and relieve it, but make sure you don’t come away with the suffering sticking to you”

Namaste!